5 Steps to Overcoming the Fear of Change

EDUCATION_2

 

In spite of change being the only constant in life it is very common that people seek out stability, predictability and the need for things to stay the same.

When things don’t stay the same, we panic, we’re overwhelmed, we’re anxious, we have episodes of depression, mania…etc.  Trying to stay the same leads to being crazy, nuts and mentally ill.

There is humor in our need for constant stability and predictability in a constantly changing world, but its very hard to laugh at ourselves when we’re overwhelmed by the terror of change.

Anytime we get upset with someone over anything, we are resisting change.

Here are ideas to overcome our fear of change:

Step 1: Notice Ways You Resist Change.

I am upset about _____________.

I am defending and protecting myself from ______________.

I don’t want to change _______________.

I’m scared of ______________.
I refuse to see ______________.

I don’t want to see it because if I were to see it then I’d have to do _________.

I really don’t want to do __________ because then I’d have more ___________.

I don’t want more __________ because having more __________ says about me that I’m ____________.

If I’m ___________ then I feel ____________.

If  I feel ____________ then _____________ will happen to me.

 

Step 2:  Acceptance of the Outcome of Resistance.

 

The world does not come to an end if I feel ______________.

Nothing changes if I fail at _______________.

If I have more ________________ I’ll be just fine.

The consequences of not changing are __________________.

 

Step 3: Humor About Resistance

 

It’s pretty funny that I’ve resisted ______________ for so long.

I made _____________ so scary when its really only ______________.

I don’t like ______________ because then I have to do ________________ and feel ____________.

The reality is feeling ______________ and doing _______________ is actually good.

 

Step 4: Finding Joy in Change

I’m looking forward to _______________.

What I see for myself is a better quality of life with ________________.

My relationships will be more ___________________.

My work will be more ____________________.

My fun/relaxing time will be more ________________.

I’ll get to be/do _________________.

 

Step 5: Putting Change Into Action

 

The next best step in creating this change is ________________.

I will do this step by this time TODAY _________________.

Other steps I will take towards this change are ____________ ____________ ___________.

I will do them by this time _______________.

 

It is so important to both find your joy and commit to when you will take action steps toward the change you are actively participating in your life.  By finding your joy and taking action, you overcome fear.

 

Share

How the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves get in our own way & Ways to do something about it. Strategies for thriving with bipolar disorder

 

The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have so much power.

One of the great lessons I have learned in my life is that what happens to us matters far less than the stories we tell ourselves about it.

The stories we tell ourselves shape how we think, what we believe about ourselves, the choices we make and the actions we take.

 

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I told myself the “I am crazy” story.  Here’s how it worked:

“I am crazy.” This is who I am.  It is my whole story.

How this story affected my thoughts: “It doesn’t matter what I think.  I am crazy.” and  “I am bad.”

How this story affected what I believed about myself : “I have no responsibility and no expectations for myself or from other people. I don’t have to do anything because I can’t.  I am crazy.”

How this story affected my choices: “I can’t do….”  “I can’t be…”  “I can’t try….”  “I can’t choose.”

How this story affected my actions: I stayed on the couch in a fetal position with my face buried in the corner.  I spoke to no one.

 

You can take out the word “crazy” from the “I am crazy” story and replace it with several other words and get the same exact effects and results.

 

This type of story drains away all self-esteem and self-worth.  It steals our ability to take responsibility for our lives and have expectations for ourselves. It robs us of qualities that give us strength and courage.  It does not allow space for resilience and persistence.  This type of story causes us to accept mediocrity.

If you have these kinds of stories in your life, I invite you to throw them away and re-author your stories.

 

On my Facebook page, Thrive With Bipolar Disorder, I shared an example of a form of storytelling that I do when I am feeling stuck, scared or judged.

 

Here, I will share some ideas for how to re-author the stories we tell ourselves about what happened to us and about ourselves.

 

Re-Authoring Stories

 

Part 1: Deconstructing the Problem Story

When I help people re-author stories the first thing I choose to do is listen to and understand the story they have been telling themselves.

I want to understand the role the story serves in their life and what makes the story a problem to them.

For instance, with the “I am crazy” story.  The role of this story in my life was that it defined my identity and who I could be.   What made it a problem was that it sucked the life out of me, as seen above.

I want to know how the story was invited into a person’s life.

In my “I am crazy” story, the story was invited by a medical expert putting a label on me and telling me that I had to take medication for the rest of my life in order to fit into society.

It is important to explore the effects a story has on a person.

The effects of the “I am crazy” story on me were:

  • I had no expectations for myself.
  • I took no personal responsibility for my choices and actions.
  • I had no self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect.
  • I felt useless and incapable of being anything.
  • I felt that I was bad.
  • I was afraid of myself.

 

 

I choose to know what the person does to support the story they tell themselves.  What actions and routines support the story.

In my “I am crazy” story, I refused to get off of the couch.  I did not want to go to school for the life of me, not because of what the kids would think,  but because I no longer believed I had a functioning brain and was capable of doing anything with my life.

My routine was to wake up, get on the couch and bury my face in the corner.

This carried over from my depression.  As I was coming out of the worst depression ever, I continued the behaviors that I had while I was experiencing full blown “I know longer feel alive” depression.

 

 

I explore what the problem story steals from peoples’ lives.

My “I am crazy” story stole my will to live.  It stole everything I believed about myself up to the point that I had my manic episode.  Until then, I believed I could be anything when I grew up and I was a great student and daughter.

This story stole my confidence, my courage, my intelligence, my creativity, my hope, my dreams….

Together we explore flaws in the problem story, times when the problem story is wrong about people and times when people have the upper hand.  We look at evidence that uncovers other possibilities and alternative ways of understanding the problem story.

When I explored this with myself, the problem story went from “I am crazy.” to “What I experienced during those handful of months in my life was beyond my control…it was crazy AND I have the ability to do something about it.”

Here was the evidence that I am not crazy.  For the entire fifteen years of my life (I was 15 soon to be 16 when full-blown mania came into my life) I was a very good student, I had friends and sort of the ideal teenager to my parents, I never got in trouble.

After the full-blown mania and depression and after I got stable on my Lithium…I still could read.  I still could write.  I still could speak my mind coherently and my thoughts were relevant and intelligent.  I still was a kind, warm, compassionate and loving person.  I still was playful, funny and loved to laugh.  I could still feel my feelings and was on a dosage of lithium that left me always slightly hypomanic (throughout much of my twenties).

Once we are able to identify the possibility that the problem story may no longer fit, I explore with people what gets in the way of letting the problem story go.  Together we slowly work on what hold’s people back.

In my case, I was afraid to let the problem story go because I did not trust myself.  I was scared of myself that at any point in time I could go into full-blown mania and crash into a lifeless depression.

 

One of the things that often keeps people stuck in their problem story is that they don’t have a different story to replace it with.  They don’t have a story that they want instead.  With this as a challenge our goal shifts from understanding the effects of the problem story to creating people’s preferred story.

 

In the Part 2 of this blog we will explore this process of creating a preferred story.

 

 

 

Share

How the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves get in our own way & Ways to do something about it (Part 1)

The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have so much power.

One of the great lessons I have learned in my life is that what happens to us matters far less than the stories we tell ourselves about it.

The stories we tell ourselves shape how we think, what we believe about ourselves, the choices we make and the actions we take.

 

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I told myself the “I am crazy” story.  Here’s how it worked:

“I am crazy.” This is who I am.  It is my whole story.

How this story affected my thoughts: “It doesn’t matter what I think.  I am crazy.” and  “I am bad.”

How this story affected what I believed about myself : “I have no responsibility and no expectations for myself or from other people. I don’t have to do anything because I can’t.  I am crazy.”

How this story affected my choices: “I can’t do….”  “I can’t be…”  “I can’t try….”  “I can’t choose.”

How this story affected my actions: I stayed on the couch in a fetal position with my face buried in the corner.  I spoke to no one.

 

You can take out the word “crazy” from the “I am crazy” story and replace it with several other words and get the same exact effects and results.

 

This type of story drains away all self-esteem and self-worth.  It steals our ability to take responsibility for our lives and have expectations for ourselves. It robs us of qualities that give us strength and courage.  It does not allow space for resilience and persistence.  This type of story causes us to accept mediocrity.

If you have these kinds of stories in your life, I invite you to throw them away and re-author your stories.

 

On my Facebook page, Thrive With Bipolar Disorder, I shared an example of a form of storytelling that I do when I am feeling stuck, scared or judged.

 

Here, I will share some ideas for how to re-author the stories we tell ourselves about what happened to us and about ourselves.

 

Re-Authoring Stories

 

Part 1: Deconstructing the Problem Story

When I help people re-author stories the first thing I choose to do is listen to and understand the story they have been telling themselves.

I want to understand the role the story serves in their life and what makes the story a problem to them.

For instance, with the “I am crazy” story.  The role of this story in my life was that it defined my identity and who I could be.   What made it a problem was that it sucked the life out of me, as seen above.

 

 

I want to know how the story was invited into a person’s life.

In my “I am crazy” story, the story was invited by a medical expert putting a label on me and telling me that I had to take medication for the rest of my life in order to fit into society.

 

 

It is important to explore the effects a story has on a person.

The effects of the “I am crazy” story on me were:

  • I had no expectations for myself.
  • I took no personal responsibility for my choices and actions.
  • I had no self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect.
  • I felt useless and incapable of being anything.
  • I felt that I was bad.
  • I was afraid of myself.

 

 

I choose to know what the person does to support the story they tell themselves.  What actions and routines support the story.

In my “I am crazy” story, I refused to get off of the couch.  I did not want to go to school for the life of me, not because of what the kids would think,  but because I no longer believed I had a functioning brain and was capable of doing anything with my life.

My routine was to wake up, get on the couch and bury my face in the corner.

This carried over from my depression.  As I was coming out of the worst depression ever, I continued the behaviors that I had while I was experiencing full blown “I know longer feel alive” depression.

 

 

I explore what the problem story steals from peoples’ lives.

My “I am crazy” story stole my will to live.  It stole everything I believed about myself up to the point that I had my manic episode.  Until then, I believed I could be anything when I grew up and I was a great student and daughter.

This story stole my confidence, my courage, my intelligence, my creativity, my hope, my dreams….

 

 

Together we explore flaws in the problem story, times when the problem story is wrong about people and times when people have the upper hand.  We look at evidence that uncovers other possibilities and alternative ways of understanding the problem story.

When I explored this with myself, the problem story went from “I am crazy.” to “What I experienced during those handful of months in my life was beyond my control…it was crazy AND I have the ability to do something about it.”

Here was the evidence that I am not crazy.  For the entire fifteen years of my life (I was 15 soon to be 16 when full-blown mania came into my life) I was a very good student, I had friends and sort of the ideal teenager to my parents, I never got in trouble.

After the full-blown mania and depression and after I got stable on my Lithium…I still could read.  I still could write.  I still could speak my mind coherently and my thoughts were relevant and intelligent.  I still was a kind, warm, compassionate and loving person.  I still was playful, funny and loved to laugh.  I could still feel my feelings and was on a dosage of lithium that left me always slightly hypomanic (throughout much of my twenties).

 

 

Once we are able to identify the possibility that the problem story may no longer fit, I explore with people what gets in the way of letting the problem story go.  Together we slowly work on what hold’s people back.

In my case, I was afraid to let the problem story go because I did not trust myself.  I was scared of myself that at any point in time I could go into full-blown mania and crash into a lifeless depression.

 

One of the things that often keeps people stuck in their problem story is that they don’t have a different story to replace it with.  They don’t have a story that they want instead.  With this as a challenge our goal shifts from understanding the effects of the problem story to creating people’s preferred story.

 

In the Part 2 of this blog we will explore this process of creating a preferred story.

Share

Self-Care Challenge

Self-care is incredibly important.

It is so easy to forget to do or not make the time to nurture, rejuvenate and love ourselves.

So I’ve decided that I am going to give myself the gift of self-care time.

Two whole weeks.

I will do absolutely no work, blogging or anything else that requires stress (or so I will try).

I hope to use this time to nurture, love and rejuvenate myself by giving myself the gift of two special weeks of self-care.

During this time I will not be writing or participating in any forums.

Self-Care Challenge:

What will you do today to give yourself the gift of self-care?

Share

“To Thrive” or “To Struggle & Suffer” with Bipolar Disorder requires tremendous effort and energy

It takes just as much energy and effort to struggle and suffer with bipolar disorder as it does to thrive with bipolar disorder.

When I share this, often people’s first response is often disbelief.  They say to me, “Robin, how can that be, I don’t have to do anything to suffer and struggle with Bipolar Disorder. I’m not making the choice to struggle and suffer, it’s because of what happens to me everyday.”

When people share this with me it makes me sad. People do not know how much power they have. Nevertheless, they give it away to forces that cause them to struggle and suffer.

Our effort and energy is our power. What we do with them is the difference between thriving with bipolar disorder and struggling and suffering with it.

Here’s one perspective I like to share and explore in response to feeling they have no choice in struggling and suffering:

If we imagine a scale between 1-10 where 1 = no effort and energy at all and 10 = an exhausting amount of energy and effort…

  • How much effort and energy does it take to hide bipolar disorder and episodes from your family, friends and colleagues?
  • How much effort and energy does it take to try to control your mood and your feelings?
  • How much effort and energy does it take to resist how you are feeling?
  • How much effort and energy does it take to deny what you are feeling?
  • How much effort and energy does it take to try to break free from bipolar disorder?
  • How much effort and energy does it take to experience something beyond your control that is painful?

Hiding, controlling, resisting, denying, breaking free, and being in pain take tremendous amounts of effort and energy.

By investing our energy and effort into these ways of being, we maintain a lifestyle of suffering and struggling.

We don’t have the ability to control what happens to us or within us, but we do have the ability to choose how we respond.

We don’t have to hide bipolar disorder from our lives. That is a choice we make.

We don’t have to control our feelings and moods. We have the ability to invest in developing an awareness of our feelings and moods which enables us to choose how we respond to feelings and mood.

Just because we have a feeling does not mean that we have to believe it.

We do not have to find evidence to support or justify our feelings.

And we do not have to allow our feelings to control our thoughts.

We can simply acknowledge how and what we are feeling and let it go.

When we resist or deny how we are feeling, the feelings only become stronger.

The act of resisting gives what we don’t want more power.

Instead, if we acknowledge that we are experiencing something that we don’t want to experience, we get to develop our awareness of how it works and invest our effort and energy into intervening.

For example, if we are experiencing depression, we have to identify what depression wants from us / Where is it getting its power?

When you thrive with bipolar disorder you have the awareness:

  • Depression is…either simply like any other living thing trying to exist OR the consequence of mania in which the brain and body have exhausted itself of all resources.
  • Depression gets its power by isolating us so that it is the only voice we hear.
  • It gets its energy comes from the energy we give it by surrendering our interests, our appetite to eat, the will to shower, and ability to sleep well or sleep too much.
  • It develops strength by causing us to feel sadness, guilt, shame, blame, and any bad feelings about ourselves. It robs us of memories of happiness.

We give depression our effort and energy by suffering and struggling to not be depressed.

In the face of depression, we must use our energy and effort to not be isolated, be interested in something, eat, shower, and choose what and how we think and what we want to believe about ourselves, our lives and the world.

Share

Mood Tracking Tool: How to watch the roller coaster without getting on

One way to track how bipolar disorder affects you is by using this tool.

There four factors that I use to understand mood etc.:

1. Consistency: ____

(Scale it: 1 – 10…1=Almost Always; 2-3=Often; 4-5=Sometimes; 6-7=Less Frequent; 8-9=Rarely; 10=Never)

Are you experiencing the same types of feelings and thinking in a similar way over a period of time?

2. Predictability:____

(Scale it: 1 – 10…1=Almost Always; 2-3=Often; 4-5=Sometimes; 6-7=Less Frequent; 8-9=Rarely; 10=Never)

Can you and others predict how you will respond to external circumstances?

This does not mean that you are boring or that people can read your mind.  It means that people have expectations for your personality and can count on you to respond in line with your personality.


3. Appropriateness of the Response:____

(Scale it: 1 – 10…1=Almost Always; 2-3=Often; 4-5=Sometimes; 6-7=Less Frequent; 8-9=Rarely; 10=Never)

Is the response to the situation an appropriate response based on the degree of threat, urgency, or importance of the situation?

One way to understand appropriateness it to ask yourself  these questions:

  • Would a person you respect, value and trust respond the same way?
  • Would someone who really cares about you and believes in you want you to respond that way?
  • Would you choose to be treated this way?

4. Impulsivity:____

(Scale it: 1 – 10…1=Almost Always; 2-3=Often; 4-5=Sometimes; 6-7=Less Frequent; 8-9=Rarely; 10=Never)

How much thinking takes place before a response?

Do you assess the cost, benefit and consequences of your actions?

When assessing mood, notice things such as the time of day, how you slept, if you are hungry or tired, the temperature and weather. These all affect mood.

Here is a tool for you to duplicate into a spreadsheet on your computer or use by hand:

This tool will help you track your behavior, thought process, and emotional response or expression using the tool above.


Share

“Newly Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder Club” Topic #1: Complying & Coping With Medication

This blog series is dedicated to everyone Newly Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Welcome to the club!  You have unwillingly joined an elite club in which some of the members are among the most brilliant, creative and talented in history.

Unfortunately there is no manual that comes with our bipolar disorder diagnoses when becoming a member of this club.

This blog will be followed by a series of blogs called “Newly Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder Club”. Each blog will address issues that members have shared with me or issues I or clients I have worked with when newly diagnosed face.

Today’s topic is coping with medication and medication compliance.

Topics coming soon based on members’ request will include:

  • Building daily routine and structure
  • Developing sleep patterns

If you would like to make a request for this series, please contact me and I will be happy to address your concern.

Today”s Topic:

The #1 problem that people have when joining this club is coping with medication and medication compliance.

There are not many people in a club like ours where the medication completely changes your experience of yourself.

Our medications may change:

  • Our energy and exuberance level
  • Our ability to feel the rich emotion of emotion
  • How we think
  • How we express ourselves
  • Our creativity and innovation
  • Our memory
  • Our weight
  • Our ability to be super productive and goal-focused

*Note: Not all medications cause these effects, but all medications are mood stabilizers which function to reduce emotional extremes.

Nobody would want to take medication if it did changed who they are AND keeps them from feeling like themselves and maybe weird or slightly off at first.

This is why we, the members of this club, are so strong and courageous. Each one of us has a different reason for why we are willing to sacrifice the amount of some these of these things. I made this sacrifice because I was willing to do anything I possibly could to prevent myself from experiencing the peak of full-blown mania and feeling like I am dead in depression. Some of the people I’ve had the privilege of working with shared with me that they made this sacrifice because medication made their quality of life so much better. They got to experience stability for the first time. It improved their abilities to function at work and improved their quality of relationships.

Most often, the consequences of not making the sacrifice are far more painful than what there is to gain by taking medication.

It’s a hard choice to make, but something we remember by taking our medication every day at the same time.

Before continuing on to an activity, take a moment and ask yourself what has you committed to being on medication.


Now that we understand why we are committed to being on medication, let’s explore how to cope with the losses:

The loss you experience is a death because it is that significant of a loss therefore in order to cope, I invite you to mourn the loss for a specific set amount of time before taking actions to explore your new life.

Ways to take action and help mourn the loss of your manic and depressive self:

1.  Write down the qualities you miss.
Examples: creativity, exuberance, productivity, passion, emotion etc

2.  Write down what you miss about each quality.

3.  How did it affect your life?

4.  How did you feel when you experienced it?

5.  What did you tell yourself about yourself when you experienced it?

6.  What abilities did each quality give you?

7.  What qualities or parts of qualities did you get to keep?

8.  What new abilities do you have because of being on medication?

9.  What action are you willing to take to further develop these abilities?

* This is an activity that could be very useful done in therapy if it feels overwhelming to do on your own.

Here’s one example put in action from my life.

1.  Write down the qualities you miss.

I miss my exuberance that was expressed through passion and an energy that completely filled the room.

2.  Write down what you miss about each quality.

I miss the feeling I had when I walked into the room and the affect my presence had on people. I felt special. I felt wanted. It felt so good to make people smile. (I wasn’t aware of how uncomfortable it made some people until I was in graduate school.)

3.  How did it affect your life?

People relied on my presence to make them feel good. I relied on my presence as a way to not be vulnerable because I always had a smile on my face and was a burst of energy. It made it easy for me to meet people and engage groups of people.

4.  How did you feel when you experienced it?

Wanted. My presence made people’s day. I felt passionate and alive. I felt seen.  At times insecure because with age, I could feel that it made people uncomfortable.

5.  What did you tell yourself about yourself when you experienced it?

People like me. People want me around. My presence matters and makes a difference. I make people’s days better.

6.  What abilities did each quality give you?

The ability to be free and break social rules (which I didn’t inherently know what they were anyway).  I could get away with so much because I did everything with a smile on my face.

7.  What qualities or parts of qualities did you get to keep?

I still have my passion and exuberance, but it has changed form. Now I’m a light in the room, instead of completely filling the room. I am not overwhelming. My energy is more relaxed and channeled, yet still very passionate. My energy isn’t as anxious and manic, except when I go to the doctor.

8.  What new abilities do you have because of being on medication?

I am able to feel peace and centered. I don’t feel the need to be “on” or performing all the time. Instead, I feel more genuine because I don’t always have to have a permanent smile on my face.  I’m able to use the abilities I’ve always had with more ease. I could go on and on…it has been tremendous.

9.  What actions are you willing to take to further develop these abilities?

Focus on my breathing during to increase my feelings of peace and centered. Continue to be transparent about what I’m thinking and feeling and continue being honest when I’m not able to be what people expect from me.

If this is helpful, feel free to contact me with interests for future blogs.

Share