Happiness, Excitement & Stress do NOT necessarily mean MANIA. Happiness & Bipolar Disorder.

One of the hardest challenges people living with bipolar disorder face is the fear that they cannot be happy, excited or experience stress in a normal way.

There is an assumption in our society that this is mania.

I believe it is NOT true.

The following article are simply my beliefs as a person who thrives with bipolar disorder and experiences a life full of happiness, excitement and stress.

HAPPINESS

Happiness that comes from feeling good about yourself…

self-esteem, self-worth, integrity, dignity, self-respect, what you’ve achieved, your family, how you treat people, give to people, gratitude for your life etc

….IS NOT MANIA…it is JOY.

Happiness and excitement that comes from what you plan to do in the FUTURE…

it is also JOY,

but because their is a GOAL that MAY invite the stressors of OVERWHELM or a drive of URGENCY…

the joy could lead to MANIA.

Therefore, happiness and excitement about what is current or in the past MAY be SAFE and not lead to mania at all. It may be happiness and excitement about the future that may have the potential to welcome mania into our lives.

There is NOTHING WRONG with being happy and excited about the future.

We simply have to be more careful and pay attention to our sense of URGENCY and STOP when we feel URGENCY and /or OVERWHELM.

We must PAUSE…and take time to calm down and focus on one step at a time instead of the big OVERWHELMING picture.

The KEY here…is we have to be able to RECOGNIZE what URGENCY and OVERWHELM feel like in our bodies so we can respond to them RIGHT AWAY, before MANIA can kick in and we lose control.

On a different note:

Happiness or energy that feels excessive or strange to you could be mania.

The amount of happiness we feel, that is considered normal happiness, is often in proportion with the cause.

If we feel extremely happy and a burst of energy from experiencing something that is ordinary to us…

The chances are we may be experiencing mania.

STRESS

We cannot avoid STRESS in life.

There will ALWAYS be stress in our lives.

To believe that we cannot handle stress dis-empowers us.

We have to learn how to cope with STRESS and how to receive support when we are OVERWHELMED.

People living with bipolar disorder already have the tendency to hold everything in an be STRONG.

This way of being for us, holding everything in or hiding everything, IS NOT HEALTHY FOR US.

By telling us that we must maintain a stress-free life…it encourages us to hold everything in.

I believe we appear to NOT handle stress well because our whole lives we have held the pain, the suffering, the loss, the wounds and the damage INSIDE OURSELVES.

Therefore, when stress happens in our lives…coming from the outside of ourselves, it is too much, we have an episode.

Our own shame, guilt, internalized stigma, self-fear, lack of self-trust, low self-esteem and other self-destructive emotions and actions are enough stress to cause relapse without ANY external stress.

In fact, I believe that internalized stigma is more stress than any daily external stressor.

One reason why I believe I have not had a significant episode in 15 years…is because I don’t hold anything in.

I do not hide anything from anyone.

My transparency frees me from internal STRESS.

It does not mean that I don’t have stress, it means that when I have stress, I let it out.

I am not ashamed or disgraced to have bipolar disorder.

Why I Prevent Mania. Reasons to prevent relapse of bipolar disorder episodes.

in Ideas About Mania / My Stories / Uncategorized by Robin Mohilner June 13, 2011 0 comments

A common question that I am asked is, “Why would you take medication and do whatever it takes to prevent mania?”

The simple answer is there is no way I would have achieved any of my goals and accomplishments in my life if I had chosen mania instead.

I take lithium (even though I have the horrible side effects of “lithium-induced psoriasis) and do everything I can to prevent mania for the last 15 years because the peak of mania caused me to become somebody I truly fear…someone who is not me.

I was completely out of control in my mind and body.

I couldn’t stop emotionally hurting myself and other people.

I could not stop hurting the people I love no matter how badly I wanted to and how hard I tried.

I have never been so scared and in so much pain in my life that I never wanted to experience it again EVER.

And I never want to experience the full-blown depression I had after that mania.

In that form of depression, I did not feel alive anymore.

The great philosopher, Descartes, says you know you exist because “I think therefore I am.”

I could not think.

I could not feel.

I did not believe “I am” anymore.

Who I am, was destroyed and dead…yet I was still breathing.

I did just enough to survive because I was forced.

If I had stayed that way for long, and had not had help, I probably would have commit suicide as soon as I had the strength to do so.

I do whatever it takes to NEVER EXPERIENCE THAT AGAIN.

Yet, I am persistent about me being who I am.

I refuse to lose myself to medication. I do whatever it takes to prevent mania while maintaining who I am.

I don’t even let myself go a few days, let alone a few weeks with hypomania….if I were to wait that long, I’d lose control and lose myself.

Of course I miss hypomania.

That was the most incredible and awesome experience of my life.

I trust that nothing else in life will ever come close.

Yet, I know that if I choose mania, I will have the most incredible UP TO a few months EVER then full-blown mania will kick in because you can’t stop it…and everything else in my life that I have worked beyond so hard to achieve will be destroyed.

Even if I only had hypomania…I would still make the WORST decisions humanly possible because I would take on FAR more than I can handle EVER…and I would destroy my quality of life.

Relapse Detection: How to detect if you may be experiencing relapse of episodes of bipolar disorder.

in Ideas About Depression / Ideas About Mania / Ideas: Ways to Thrive / My Work & Research by Robin Mohilner June 13, 2011 0 comments

Every person living with bipolar disorder, no matter how stable, lives with the realistic concern and fear of relapse.

However, how we respond when we notice we are vulnerable or beginning to experience relapse determines the consequences and severity of an episode in our lives.

This article will look at relapse from the perspective of:

What to notice in ourselves when we are experiencing relapse.
Recognizing triggers of relapse.

Part 1: What To Notice To Detect Relapse

Our Interest

If you have a loss of interest in pleasurable activities, you could be relapsing into depression.

If you become obsessed with a goal that you cannot stop doing, you could be relapsing into mania.

Our Energy

If you have unusual difficulty waking up in the morning, getting out of bed and doing your daily routine, you could be experiencing depression.

If you have more energy than usual, more excitement, more passion, more pleasure, more exuberance and more irritability, you could be experiencing mania. Especially if there is a sense of URGENCY that goes along with it.

How we are thinking

If your thoughts and memories are more self-destructive than usual with the EMOTIONS of sadness, guilt, shame etc, you could be experience depression.

If your thoughts are racing through your mind, you are having multiple thoughts at once and/or your thoughts get jumbled…that’s mania.

If your thoughts are solely obsessed on a goal and you cannot stop thinking about it, that could be mania.

How we are feeling

Depression makes us feel bad about ourselves and the world.

Mania makes us feel like we can do anything, that we have special abilities or higher powers…if you are feeling unusually like omnipotent (all powerful like God)…you may be experiencing mania

Our behavior

Depression steals behavior from us. It robs us of our ability to function. If you are having difficulty functioning, you may be experiencing depression.

Depression steals our sex drive.

Mania gives us an abundance of energy to do an abundance of behaving. Mania empowers people to be highly productive if it is channeled in that way. However, mania can be incredibly destructive and cause people to do RISKY (YET PLEASURABLE) behaviors that they would not otherwise do…if you are experiencing these behaviors, you may be experiencing mania.

Mania creates an insatiable sex drive.

How we talk

Depression makes communication difficult. Thoughts move slowly and memory gets lost.

People experiencing mania cannot stop talking. They have a flight of ideas that may not even be connected because mania causes so many thoughts at once.

How we feel in our bodies

Depression can cause people to not feel alive.

Mania can cause us to feel this burning energy inside of our bodies. People with mania (once they know what it is) can recognize that they are out of control in both their mind and their body.

Part 2: Triggers of Relapse

STRESS

Circumstances: Loss or illness of a loved one. Loss of a job or income. Loss of your home. etc

Home environment: there is OVERWHELMING pressure and demands on you and no time for self-care; lack of peace; constant stress between family members;

Stressful marriage/relationship: you are not getting your emotional needs met or are not getting the support you need; poor communication; not enough time together.

Financial Stress: Not enough money to make ends meet.

Children are blessings, but they cause so much stress on each of these levels. Being a parent is HARD…and extremely hard if you are a parent living with bipolar disorder.

OUR OLD EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

Each one of us since the day we are conceived (I may talk about this another time) experience things that wound us.

Not all wounds heal.

In fact, many we just live with…and if we are lucky we nurture them so they don’t determine our choices and determine our lives.

We poke each others wounds all of the time. In fact, when we feel hurt, it is rarely what happens in the moment that hurts us….often times what happens in the moment connects us with all of our past hurt and makes us feel a WHOLE LOT OF PAIN.

Most of our early wounds are the ones that hurt the most and get built on by life. We seek out chances to heal those wounds by repeating hurtful things until we know better.

Those early wounds are usually happen in relationship with our parents, siblings (except in the cases of child abuse and sexual abuse that take place outside of the home) and our early peer relationships.

Rejection and denial of our emotional needs as human beings play a large role in the wounds that we ALL carry.

These wounds if torn open by an EVENT or the MEMORY OF AN EVENT can invite relapse.

People often don’t know their emotional wounds have been triggered until after the episode or after they have lashed out at a loved one or society. Some people never know and can’t understand why they feel the way they do.

ROLE IN THE COMMUNITY

I believe that a lack of fulfillment (a lack of giving of yourself…a lack of having something of value to offer others) can lead to relapse, particularly depression.

When people believe that they have nothing to contribute and are of no value, that may invite depression and drug use. If this value returns they may feel more inclined to join in socially, start trying to get out of their depressive state, and if drug use was prevalent they may even opt to drug test themselves in order to keep on a straight path.

All people have something to offer others of value. If this gets ignored or goes without nurture in a person…I believe mental illness may get significantly worse.

Why It Can Be Hard To See Relapse

I believe depression is very sneaky. It can creep in slowly and then just clobber people.

Mania, well it isn’t as sneaky, it makes you feel better than you have ever felt before and it is very hard to not want to experience it. However, the consequences of mania, may be why people choose to take medication and prevent relapse in the first place.

Officially moved to www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com

in Ideas: Ways to Thrive by Robin Mohilner June 7, 2011 5 comments

I want to inform all of my readers that I am building a resource and community at

https://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com

and on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/teamTHRIVE

and MOST OF IT will not be duplicated at this blog.

This blog will only receive some of the new blogs posted by me, Robin Mohilner.

I hope you will continue to participate and join me at “Thrive With Bipolar Disorder”

And I hope you will join me on Facebook

How the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves get in our own way & Ways to do something about it. Strategies for thriving with bipolar disorder

in Activities / Daily Living / Ideas: Ways to Thrive / My Stories / My Work & Research by Robin Mohilner June 2, 2011 0 comments

The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have so much power.

One of the great lessons I have learned in my life is that what happens to us matters far less than the stories we tell ourselves about it.

The stories we tell ourselves shape how we think, what we believe about ourselves, the choices we make and the actions we take.

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I told myself the “I am crazy” story. Here’s how it worked:

“I am crazy.” This is who I am. It is my whole story.

How this story affected my thoughts: “It doesn’t matter what I think. I am crazy.” and “I am bad.”

How this story affected what I believed about myself : “I have no responsibility and no expectations for myself or from other people. I don’t have to do anything because I can’t. I am crazy.”

How this story affected my choices: “I can’t do….” “I can’t be…” “I can’t try….” “I can’t choose.”

How this story affected my actions: I stayed on the couch in a fetal position with my face buried in the corner. I spoke to no one.

You can take out the word “crazy” from the “I am crazy” story and replace it with several other words and get the same exact effects and results.

This type of story drains away all self-esteem and self-worth. It steals our ability to take responsibility for our lives and have expectations for ourselves. It robs us of qualities that give us strength and courage. It does not allow space for resilience and persistence. This type of story causes us to accept mediocrity.

If you have these kinds of stories in your life, I invite you to throw them away and re-author your stories.

On my Facebook page, Thrive With Bipolar Disorder, I shared an example of a form of storytelling that I do when I am feeling stuck, scared or judged.

Here, I will share some ideas for how to re-author the stories we tell ourselves about what happened to us and about ourselves.

Re-Authoring Stories

Part 1: Deconstructing the Problem Story

When I help people re-author stories the first thing I choose to do is listen to and understand the story they have been telling themselves.

I want to understand the role the story serves in their life and what makes the story a problem to them.

For instance, with the “I am crazy” story. The role of this story in my life was that it defined my identity and who I could be. What made it a problem was that it sucked the life out of me, as seen above.

I want to know how the story was invited into a person’s life.

In my “I am crazy” story, the story was invited by a medical expert putting a label on me and telling me that I had to take medication for the rest of my life in order to fit into society.

It is important to explore the effects a story has on a person.

The effects of the “I am crazy” story on me were:

I had no expectations for myself.
I took no personal responsibility for my choices and actions.
I had no self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect.
I felt useless and incapable of being anything.
I felt that I was bad.
I was afraid of myself.

I choose to know what the person does to support the story they tell themselves. What actions and routines support the story.

In my “I am crazy” story, I refused to get off of the couch. I did not want to go to school for the life of me, not because of what the kids would think, but because I no longer believed I had a functioning brain and was capable of doing anything with my life.

My routine was to wake up, get on the couch and bury my face in the corner.

This carried over from my depression. As I was coming out of the worst depression ever, I continued the behaviors that I had while I was experiencing full blown “I know longer feel alive” depression.

I explore what the problem story steals from peoples’ lives.

My “I am crazy” story stole my will to live. It stole everything I believed about myself up to the point that I had my manic episode. Until then, I believed I could be anything when I grew up and I was a great student and daughter.

This story stole my confidence, my courage, my intelligence, my creativity, my hope, my dreams….

Together we explore flaws in the problem story, times when the problem story is wrong about people and times when people have the upper hand. We look at evidence that uncovers other possibilities and alternative ways of understanding the problem story.

When I explored this with myself, the problem story went from “I am crazy.” to “What I experienced during those handful of months in my life was beyond my control…it was crazy AND I have the ability to do something about it.”

Here was the evidence that I am not crazy. For the entire fifteen years of my life (I was 15 soon to be 16 when full-blown mania came into my life) I was a very good student, I had friends and sort of the ideal teenager to my parents, I never got in trouble.

After the full-blown mania and depression and after I got stable on my Lithium…I still could read. I still could write. I still could speak my mind coherently and my thoughts were relevant and intelligent. I still was a kind, warm, compassionate and loving person. I still was playful, funny and loved to laugh. I could still feel my feelings and was on a dosage of lithium that left me always slightly hypomanic (throughout much of my twenties).

Once we are able to identify the possibility that the problem story may no longer fit, I explore with people what gets in the way of letting the problem story go. Together we slowly work on what hold’s people back.

In my case, I was afraid to let the problem story go because I did not trust myself. I was scared of myself that at any point in time I could go into full-blown mania and crash into a lifeless depression.

One of the things that often keeps people stuck in their problem story is that they don’t have a different story to replace it with. They don’t have a story that they want instead. With this as a challenge our goal shifts from understanding the effects of the problem story to creating people’s preferred story.

In the Part 2 of this blog we will explore this process of creating a preferred story.

How the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves get in our own way & Ways to do something about it (Part 1)

in Activities / Daily Living / My Stories by Robin Mohilner June 2, 2011 2 comments

The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have so much power.