Bipolar Disorder,

We’re Partners and I’m Defining Who You Get To Be In My Life

by Robin Mohilner (©2007)

 

 

Bipolar Disorder

Do you seek to protect me or destroy me?

I don’t know.

I think both and something in between.

 

You’ve given me so many gifts

Then you take them away

And rob me of who I am

 

You keep me to yourself

You’ve ruined every opportunity I’ve had to be loved.

I am so hurt and pissed off with you for that, but I forgive you.

You push men away with your impulses.

You scare them into believing that I am you.

 

You love when I enter relationships

You thrive on the fear

Uncertainty is your nourishment.

Anxiety fuels your aspirations.

 

I now understand,

Well, I’ve understood you but did nothing about it

But you really hurt me this time,

And I’m taking my life back.

 

I see clearly that you need to keep me all to yourself

In order for you to exist

When I choose to be vulnerable it’s a slap in your face

My willingness to trust others and let them be there for me weakens you

Stability threatens your existence

It scares you that I’m sharing this with the world

If I am loved, accepted and supported…

If I am not ashamed of who I am…

You are weakened

So you destroy every opportunity I’ve had to be loved

In order to have a place for you in my life.

 

So I promise you this

You will always be a part of my life,

I value you and love you because you are a part of me.

You have done so much good in my life and created so much beauty.

And you have broken my heart and made me question my will to live.

I’ve hated you and it felt like hating myself.

I refuse to do that anymore.

You are not my fault.

Yet you will always be with me.

And because I accept that

I’m making the rules now

You cannot have me and you cannot be me.

 

If you have a problem with that, I won’t fight you.

I know that just makes you stronger.

I see through your strategies and tactics.

I know your weakness

And I will exploit it.

I will rob you of every ounce of fuel.

 

So it is your turn to work with me and be my partner in this.

I need you to give me the space and freedom to learn how to

Contain my fear, anxiety and uncertainty

Without your influence

You will be my partner in this

Because I am giving you no other choice

 

We are no longer on a battle ground.

You and I are in a field

In that field there is a middle

That we have never known

And we will meet there.

 

When you witness me feel fear and instability

Your role is to be remind me of my faith and give me space to stand.

And if you have the impulse to be destructive

Destroy the fear

Show me that it’s false evidence appearing real.

When you watch me panic with uncertainty.

Remind me how to be patient and slow down.

Now you and I both know that you don’t know what patience is,

And slowing down is a foreign concept.

So we’ll recruit the help from others.

We’ll stop being so damn stubborn

And we’ll ask for help and specific directions

Yeah we’ll mess up (a lot)

You’ll get triggered

So I’ll ask for support

And we won’t get carried away in our dance.

 

If you feel the need for more destruction,

Destroy shame

Destroy guilt

Destroy doubt

Destroy self-defeating thoughts

Destroy judgement

These you have my permission to destroy all day long and twice on the weekends.

 

But you no longer get to destroy

My self-esteem

My self-worth

My loveability

My relationships

 

And you don’t have a choice in this

I’ve taken control back.

Robin Mohilner (©2007)